If It Quacks Like An Asshole, It's Mitt Romney

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Come to find out, Mitt Romney used to be a lobbyist.

Yeah, this is the same money grubbing dickbag presidential candidate who derided Newt Gingrich for his time as a lobbyist. He also denounced candidate Rick Santorum for the same thing. More recently, he accused his rival, President Obama, of giving favors to political donors. Now, I'm no political expert, but isn't that sort of similar to what them there lobbyist folks do?

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, to lobby is to conduct activities aimed at influencing public officials and especially members of a legislative body on legislation. You know, like...and this is just a "for instance"...favors for political donors.

Can you say "hypocrite?" No? How about "fuck-face?"

An article in the LA Times provides the following quote: "I'm going to let the lawyers decide what is and what is not lobbying," Romney said after he was asked by a reporter whether he would define Gingrich’s work as lobbying. "But you know, when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck. It's a duck."

I guess, given all this new information, it stands to reason that when it walks like an asshole and quacks like an asshole, it's Mitt Romney.

Chick-Fil-A, Open Wide!

Eat LESS Chicken?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH. It's such a tricky thing.

Sure, you have the right to say whatever stupid shit you wanna say...but you DON'T have the right to be surprised when it comes back to kick you in the nuts later. And if you happen to be a head honcho at a company with over 1,500 locations, you should try keeping your homophobic religious, fucking backwards old-fashioned viewpoints to yourself.

In other words, if you're gonna try to make the public pay good money to let you put your cock chicken in their mouths, try to be well-liked. If the girl at the lemonade stand down the street flipped off every car with a rainbow, equal rights, or co-exist sticker on it, at least in my neighborhood, well...somebody just might come and piss in her lemonade knock over her table.

So a big merry fuck you to Chick-Fil-A. Take your fundamentalist views, and go flog your chicken someplace where being a gay-hating douchebag that kind of attitude is still socially acceptable.

Still like Chick-Fil-A? Good for you. Open mouth, insert cock.

Just saying.

Bank of America Kills Debit Fee; Gears Up For Another Bailout

All your money are belong to us.

First, the good news.

Bank of America's new debit card fee is dead. The $5 monthly fee for utilizing your BoA debit card raised the ire of consumers, who signed petitions, cut up cards, and generally shit all over disliked the idea. Some Occupy Wall Street protesters even used it as a prime example of the greed of banking institutions. President Obama also got a jab in, saying the idea was "not good business practice."

Embarrassed officials shut the book on this humiliating chapter on Tuesday.

“We have listened to our customers very closely over the last few weeks and recognize their concern with our proposed debit usage fee,” stated David Darnell, co-chief operating officer (whatever the fuck that is) at Bank of America. “Our customers’ voices are most important to us. As a result, we are not currently charging the fee and will not be moving forward with any additional plans to do so.”

Now, the bad news.

Crystal Cathedral Pleads For A "Miracle" (AKA Truckloads of Cash)

More important than feeding the starving?

The Crystal Cathedral is bankrupt.

The church founders and leaders, who have been made wealthy by tithes and donations to the church, are begging for assistance.

"I need more help from you," Robert H. Schuller (founder of the garden Grove, CA mega-church) said, according to the Orange County Register. "If you are a tither, become a double-tither. If you are not a tither, become a tither."

Hey, I have a better idea. Sell all your shit and use the money from that. Better yet, do what that pesky Bible says: sell all your possessions and give the proceeds to the poor.

Protesters Have Sex And Shit All Over Wall Street

Yes, it's what it looks like.

Nothing says, "Let's end political and economic corruption" like crapping on cop cars.

Apparently, protesters have not only been having sex (gasp!) during their Poopify Occupy Wall Street movement, they have also been shitting all over the place! Now, I fully support the idea of reforming corrupt corporations, and the cops piss me off too, sometimes. Yet I fail to see how we can achieve much by pooping on government vehicles.

Imagine if, when the Boston Tea Party happened, the colonists all ran out and took dumps on the deck of the Dartmouth. What would that have proved? Who would have cleaned it up? And who wants tea from a crap-coated ship?

Powerball Jackpot Grows To $245 Million: People Suddenly Turn Stupid

Retirement planning for idiots.

Wow.

The Powerball Jackpot is up to 245 million big ones. What does this mean for the average American?

Nothing. After all, even if you are enough of a sucker to dish out cash for a Powerball ticket, your odds of getting in a fatal car accident, freezing to death, or being killed by a dog on the way to and from the store are much higher than your odds of winning.

Those odds get even worse as more people decide to give it a shot. And more people play as the jackpot gets higher. And the jackpot gets higher as more people play. See a pattern here?

Wal-Mart "Rolls Back" Your Health Care Coverage

Wal-Mart: Always low standards.

Leave it to Wal-Mart to fuck their own employees up the ass on a regular basis.

In a move that is not at all surprising, but entirely nasty, the evil assholes nice people in charge of Wal-Mart are "rolling back" their employee health care plans.

Starting soon, full-time employees will pay higher premiums for their benefits. Part-time employees will have their own benefits reduced. Employees working less than 24 hours simply will not be allowed to have any health care through Wal-Mart.